A Casualty of my Own War

I had this epiphany today. Not one of those “oh, the clouds have parted and the harps are being strung to the melodic sound of the birds chirping, and the wind blowing” type of epiphany. It was more like a “oh, the clouds have parted and the lightening missed my ass by a half an inch” type of epiphany. It was a bittersweet epiphany, one that I’m glad I had, but one that I’m not so thrilled to face. Nonetheless it was had, and here comes the roller-coaster.

My epiphany was that I am so busy focusing on the future that I tend to lose sight of what’s in front of me. I thought, I had stopped planning, stopped setting expectations for other entities outside of myself and stopped getting my hopes up for things external to my control. But behold, I have not. There were events that took place in my life last year that put me on my self identified mission to stay away from the “future.” Perhaps I am that “old dog” that can’t change? Perhaps I am that old-school corporate executive who won’t accept that the world just doesn’t think the way I do? Perhaps I am that woman who won’t listen to her friends when they say ‘Kris, people don’t really wear stone-washed jeans with leg warmers any more.’?

I have blurred the lines of “forward thinking,” and “living for the moment.” I have confused the delicate differences of being ambitious, and running through the jungle with a blindfold. I have failed to distinguish the complexity and pressure of “immediate gratification” and that of “taking my time.” I have challenged the pioneers of “taking it slow” and have lost sight of what it means to take things “one day at a time.” My extreme lack of patience, and unyielding need to understand everything at once, right now… has created a monster out of me.

This is my epiphany, and most recently (as of today), my very own civil war; a war between my brain and my heart. A war between what’s right, and what I understand to be right and a war between my today, and my tomorrow. The silver lining, I suppose, is that the only casualty of this war, will be self-inflicted, and will only affect one person… me.